More talking...

We always have our 'discussions' in the kitchen.

I don't really know why, probably because the layout allows us to each have our own personal space, without feeling too in each other's faces. I always stand closer to the fridge, she stands by the sink, and there's about 7 feet between us. Lots of light, too, so you can judge your words based on the look in each other's eyes.

Tonight it started over the usual, mundane things, mostly over differences in opinion in doing different household chores. More specifically, because of my new duties as house-husband, and lack of proficiency at window washing, etc. We'd gotten into it a little heavier than usual (usual being once every few months, I don't want to give the impression this is a constant thing...) and she was phrasing things with a little more emphasis than normal. I was scared, because I didn't want to push things over the limit.

So after we'd exhausted all of what was bothering us, and were standing awkwardly, wondering if we were finished, I decided to unload some of the things that have been bothering me. I waited a few beats, then explained that I've been a little run down since the Friday discussion, and hadn't realized I would feel that emotionally worked up.

We talked about things that we'd already talked about. I said how I was upset by the 'disappointed' comment, knowing that she wasn't disappointed in me per se, but that it still was hard to hear. This time it was a lot more about her feelings, less about worrying about my dad.

I don't know what to do with it any more. We've clearly made some progress, but how do I act now? Do I simply speak as if it were one of my friends, talking about some guy who I thought was cute? Or pretend as if we've really never discussed anything. I guess it's time to find new ground with this, especially since my sexuality doesn't have a lot do do with my relationship with my mother.

She also commented that she 'didn't know what she wanted me to do' now. I really couldn't answer that, other than to hope she was getting more alright with the notion and was accepting it for what it was.

One thing she's decided, "If anyone asks me if you're gay, I'm just going to say that your sexuality has nothing to do with me. It's like saying the sky is blue, nothing to do with me."

We wrapped up the conversation a little awkwardly. I hugged her, but she just stood there. "Well, I thought you were mad at me," she said. It can be so frustrating trying to explain something and having another person hung up miles behind your last point. Eventually she was more reassured, but I got the feeling she was drained from the conversation.

Each small step...