Don't make trouble...

I think I'm in the first phases of falling for a friend.

Of course, I've had attractions to friends before. I remember, very clearly, the first boy I ever really was in awestruck fascination with. That's a story for later, but it was someone who I had classes with, not really someone I considered to be a good friend.

Well, this time it's a little different. I blame Laura for planting the seed in my mind, but I guess it just means it was there all along. We were talking one night about who we thought might be gay from high school, and she immediately squealed, "Nick!"

I dismissed it entirely. After all, I've seen a number of times how homophobic he can be, and it's not the denial-homophobia, it's the seemingly real deal.

"You two would make a good couple," she cooed. "Are you sure he's not gay? He seems like he's the most likely candidate."

Thanks to this conversation, I found myself studying him in a different light than before. True, I thought he was cute, but never thought of him that way before. And besides, he's straight, so why would I spare more than a glance at him with those thoughts. But it persisted.

Not to mention the fact that he's been getting a little closer to me. He'll call me up sometimes and we'll spend an hour talking about whatever, or wind up going somewhere together and chatting for hours on end. During these conversations, he's opened up more to me than ever before, giving me glimpses of whats going on under the surface. It's the typical stuff, I admit, but it's rewarding to know your friendship is growing.

Tonight his band was playing some gig not too far from home, and he really wanted me to go. He even texted me a few times this afternoon to make double sure I was coming. I arrived, and he walked over and stuck out his hand, in full business-performer mode. I obliged, but put my other arm around him for a formal hug. It was a big night for him, playing for the home crowd, and I wanted to give him a boost. How giving him a hug would do that is beyond me (read: subconsciously I wanted to hug him and found a reason to), but it seemed like the right thing to do.

The set started, and I stared at him while the band got into rhythm. You know the intensity musicians get when they're doing their thing...the eyes sharpen and the facial features become more defined...and it usually does wonders for their sex appeal. Being that I already think he's cute, this was an even more pleasurable experience.

I got to thinking that indeed, we'd be good together, and how nice it would be to head home after his triumphant night and have wild sex together. Then I thought of how things would really work because he's already comfortable around me, and I around him. Then I realized that I shouldn't be thinking this kind of crap because it's beyond unproductive. At least when I daydream about fictitious individuals, or people who I'm not already friends with, it can be written off a lot easier. Not so easy when you start to put feelings onto someone you already know.

Honestly, I know it's not going anywhere. I don't lay awake at night thinking of him, or get tingles when I see his name on my caller ID. I guess it's part of my subconscious placing desire on him, in some insane attempt to have me resolve the tension of being single and lonely. But dammit, it's not going to happen, so why don't I just go back to daydreaming about fictitious guys?

While I can safely say I'm not really infatuated with him, I do have to admit that there's a pull of attraction when I see him sometimes. It's something that I'm just going to have to ignore, and realizing that it's somewhat of a mind game being played on myself makes it easier to dismiss.