Bad head space...

I think I'm falling back into some depression.

And I can't pinpoint why. It started as a gnawing in August, an general unhappiness with summer life. My mother felt it too, and we both commented on our unease. Why would there be any? Why was it not carefree? Yet there we were, both feeling it. It was disturbing then, because I came home from France triumphant. Happy, exhausted, but content with life, and the promise of summer ahead.

Then came the promise of change, of a new beginning in September. And boy, that didn't go off without a hitch. But aside from the turbulence experienced at the beginning, and the relative business that has distracted me until Wednesday of this week, things have been fine.

Yet here I sit, on Friday, my day off, with a load on my chest. Not that kind, for I'm sure I wouldn't be sitting here writing that version.

It's an uneasiness. Hovering around me, like something in my peripheral vision. It catches my eye, my concentration breaks and I look for it, but it doesn't reveal itself. I try to re-focus, drag my mind away from it, but it continues to bother me.

I ask myself, why can't I be happy? I have so much going for me, so many good things and people in my life. I'm healthy, have food, endless books and things to entertain me. So what is missing from my life, to make me feel this existential angst. Why, instead of sitting at home worried, can I not sit at home and be content?

In exploring this, I can't help but wonder, is this to do with my coming out and sexuality? I feel like Matt does, trapped in this vacuum. Am I taking the 'hard road' in all of this? Am I being too hard on myself, denying myself fun?

The truth is, I'm scared. I don't want to feel this way, but when I think about walking into a gay bar tonight, I get light-headed and jittery. I'm terrified to kick-start that part of my life, because it's such an unknown. I just don't know how to act, who to talk to, to start becoming part of a community.

When I think of just walking out there tonight, I can't even imagine it. Such a big part of me wants to have as much fun as others seem to be having, but my introverted nature and insecurities haunt me much more than the promise of fun.

Am I giving myself too much credit with my perceived status as coming out/accepting my life? How much farther do I have to go before I've put it to rest, and can simply be?

I used to feel awkward about my sexuality. It's more behind me now, but is that what is causing this angst? Is my problem now something different?

The thing that seems to me as the most logical argument of another problem would be my uneasiness with my social life. In truth, coming back to school is not what I thought it would be. I was expecting a steady stream of company. I was ready for it.

I wasn't ready for rarely hearing from friends. For sitting at home on a Thursday night. So could my problem simply be that I'm suffering from lack of social activity, causing me to be restless and distracted?

Another thought crossed my mind; am I incapable of truly being content? It's a frightening prospect, but as I list off all the good things in my life I cannot imagine why I should feel at times such profound confusion and sadness.

What worries me is that I'm still feeling this way approaching a year after I officially started 'dealing with it'. Things were going so well, or so I thought. Now I'm as scared and isolated as I felt then.

Bottom line, I do not want to feel this way. I've felt this way for too long. I tasted the carefree happiness from France. And I want it back.

I can hear my great-grandmother's call in the back of my mind, "Get over yourself. Pick up and carry on and be thankful for what you have." Believe me, I want to.

So why can't I?

It reminds me of a song I listened to this afternoon, sung by Candi Staton, written by Dan Tyler.

"When will I ever learn,
all my worry is a waste of time
when will I ever learn,
letting go brings peace of mind.

When will I ever see,
things have a way of working out
when will I ever be free,
free from fear, free from doubt.

When will I ever know,
the peaceful feeling in my soul
When will I understand,
God loves me the way I am.

Oh Lord, I pray to you,
give me the faith to make it through.

I see a lonely sparrow fly...and I wonder, when will I?"