Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Cats and dogs...

The rain just started falling and ruined my pathetic evening plans.

Really, in some ways, it's best the rain fell. It saved me from myself. When I pulled my jacket on, plugged myself into my iPod and reached for my umbrella, he sky opened. I could see people on the street below running for cover from the rain.

My big plan tonight was to go to Starbucks. And maybe read.

How sad is that?

Here I am, back in Toronto, surrounded by thousands of people...limitless things to do. But nobody to do them with.

My day went really rather well. I've been stressed, already, about school and getting some early assignments in. But today everything went really well. I came home, with the vague desire to do something fun tonight. After all, things went much better than expected, and I wasn't nearly as tired or stressed as I had anticipated.

After eating dinner with Laura, I tried to think of something to do. The first thing that popped into my mind was a pint at one of our local jazz establishments. I haven't gone yet, and it's always a fun time. You get a great mix of music with time for talking, plus I like the beer one particular place serves.

But as I drew up my plans, I drew a blank on who to go with. There's Christine, a friend I haven't even seen on campus yet. Or what about Joe? Maybe his roommate Andrew. Oh, how about Jayne, the girl from France?

As I spoke out names to myself, I couldn't seem to find someone who fit. It started to scare me, and I felt like I did at points last year; disconnected, out of the loop...unsocial.

I never ended up calling anyone, because in truth, there is nobody on my list of people I feel comfortable enough in just calling up and saying, "Hey! Lets meet up at (blank)."

I got to fool myself this summer. Told myself, "Look at your last few weeks of school, you were busy! You were out! You were in some demand!" The thankful excuse was that I was out of town, had no reason or way to get in touch with people. There was no need to worry, things would be different when I got back.

Now, here I am. Back. It's not even been two weeks yet and I'm already worrying myself over the fact I haven't made any big plans yet, haven't hit the bar with friends, haven't gone to a movie with someone...

The truth is, I don't know what kind of a creature I am. Before, I swore up and down I didn't need lots of interaction to be happy. I despised people who could not be alone for an evening, or an hour, without feeling the need to call someone or make some plan.

Now tonight I'm doubting myself. I'm here, almost by myself (my roommate off studying), and I'm feeling vulnerable and alone. Jesus, I'm not a first year, how is it that I'm struggling to come up with someone to go for a quick beer with?

Ultimately I've slipped into a very bad mood tonight. I don't even know why anymore, just one of those frustrated, tired evenings. I wonder if all the party boys have these moments too. Do they cover them up by diving face-first into 'fun', or are they blissfully unaware of their own misgivings and shortcomings?

Do party boys have shortcomings?

An astute psychologist may interpret my problem as age-related angst. For, you see, Steve has recently (and quietly) turned 21. So what exactly is my problem? Here I thought I was growing up, becoming more comfortable with myself. Mature enough not to worry about petty things like a social life. Happy to curl up after a nine-hour day with a plate of Thai food and Sex and the City.

I quickly fall back on the 'if-there-was-a-boyfriend' idea. Well, if there was one, I wouldn't feel out of place doing nothing on a Tuesday night. Maybe we'd read together, or have a late dinner, or watch a movie...some small distraction. But doing these things by one's self seems to outline your separation from other people, more than doing this with a significant other outlines your dependence on one person.

Ultimately, I just don't know. I kept telling myself that when I was a little older, things like this just wouldn't matter anymore. I'd be happy doing my own thing, in my own way. But I just haven't quite got there yet.

6 comments:

Sterling G. Smith said...

Sometimes its good to be alone. In fact, those who can be comfortable alone, are comfortable with themselves. Hope you have a great day tomorrow.

Pete said...

Sometimes it is indeed nice to be alone, but I prefer to be out there. I have to contain myself, limit myself to going out twice a week, Saturday night obviously being one of the nights. The other one I leave open, but I ultimately prefer Friday night.

Given a book, the internet and a nice bottle of wine I can manage, though.

Timmy said...

just call someone, or everyone. don't wait for someone to invite you out, invite them out. i'm the same way as you, everyone i know is too busy to do things with me, though I never actually call them. i'm just figuring out that the only way to find out is to call them and ask. maybe they are looking for someone to hang out with and think everyone to busy, too. or go out alone and maybe meet some new people or run into friends. lots of options.

K said...

First Off....Happy Birthday

Secondly, I think that everyone has days that you are having right now, god knows that I do....

But do not get too down on yourself. I have been here for over two weeks and I haven't really made any new friends outside of the circle that I already had from Florida.

Give the semester some time, and you are bound to meet up with some interesting, quality people.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

I think what you are feeling is just part of life. I get the same way, when I am relaxing at home I think I'm being boring and should be out with friends but sometimes when I'm out, I feel that I should have just stayed home and relaxed with a good movie. Well 21 is older but not old! Don't worry this is all part of you finding out who you are as an adult.

J.R. said...

Aurgh. I am likewise plagued. I always feel self-conscious calling someone up to hang out... asking myself "am I really close enough to this person to just call on a whim?" It's ridiculous, I know. I've been getting better at it — more bold, I suppose. Obviously, I have my close, close friends I am always confident enough to call... But even when I was living back in Texas, they were scattered: Las Vegas, New York, San Antonio, Austin... only two in Houston, with me. And now that I'm in Los Angeles... well, I need to make more close friends!

Then again, if I had a boyfriend... hahaha. Point is: I could have written this post.


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