Love myself...

Looking around, seeing different types of people, wondering what it would be like to live their life.

It's something that everyone does, at some point or another. Humans seem to thrive on the fantasy of being someone else. It's what drives reality television; the desire to see what other people are like, how their lives are different and better than our own.

When will I be confident enough in myself to just be happy with me. To not look at someone who seems more attractive, more interesting, more lucky than myself and slip into a fantasy about how things would be 'different' if I were them. To simply be happy as I am.

When I was out with my dad the other weekend, I was struck by the audience. There were many teens/20somethings either with friends from college or their families. One guy in particular stood out to me. They sat a few rows in front, and he looked like the typical countrified university kid. Tall-ish, blonde-ish, trucker hat. I'd do him (surprise).

My imagination wandered...what if I had gone to some country school. Would I have come out like him? Have that sense of style, of self, of identity to wear?

In the sea of different identities that swirl around us, when do we grow up enough to just appreciate our own qualities? Certainly we are allowed our fantasies, where we play out everything from mock romances to different turns at jobs. But are most people happy as they are, or do they work tirelessly to promote an image they feel others will enjoy more than their real selves?

Perhaps I'm being too concerned about it. After all, there are many times that I look inward and smile at my appreciation for art, wine, music...the things I feel make life worth living and provide comfort and pleasure. Yet when I look at someone totally consumed with sports scores and pork rinds, I can never see myself as being happy with that lifestyle.

So is it the qualities that I aspire to, or the acceptance of my own tastes? People tell me I'm too old for my own good, and many days I agree with that. Social situations seem to dictate that a 21-year-old college boy should wear his hat backwards, swill beer from kegs indiscriminately and spend Sunday afternoon either watching or partaking in a sporting event. My preferences lie what I daresay is far from those...which make it difficult to find acceptance amongst some people.

But maybe that's the root of it all. Pretending this is a two way street, I could also argue the very preferences that I have are something Mr.Football should sit at home and wonder about, or wish he understood more. The problem is, naturally, there are more Mr.Footballs than there are of me. This makes one instinctively reach out for the opposite side, with the overbearing feeling they must be in the wrong, instead of vice versa.

I did a few psychological tests for a friend earlier this week. My results were interesting, and somewhat contradictory. I apparently do not change myself to fit into social situations, nor do I deeply care what people think about me. I also don't set myself up for social failure, then blame 'the world at large' for my misgivings. The very qualities that I would think mean I don't wonder about 'other people' are present in me, yet I find myself dreaming of a significantly different life than I have. I guess it goes to show I'm not really unhappy with myself after all.

With all of this behind me, I was then told my self-confidence is on the low side. A healthy level is 40, a poor level is 10; I scored 25. While not disastrous, it does indeed hold room for change.

So maybe that's the answer I've been looking for. If I can just gain the self-confidence that I seemingly should posses, maybe I can rid myself of the daydreams wasted on other's lives.

Or maybe they're just harmless muses after all, because it seems that you aren't going to change me.