If you say so...

It's hard to keep track of yourself.

Not difficult to remember where you were, what you did, or who you saw on a certain day, thanks to blogging, electronic calendars, or a plain old day-minder journal. But keeping track of you, as a person, can be pretty tough.

Wednesday night found me at our school pub with a group of classmates. We'd just put in our last day in our class, and headed out to celebrate our job well done. Everyone was in good spirits, enjoying the fact we were almost done our year. People laughed, joked, stressed out over last-minute assignments, and said their goodbyes to new friends.

The group started dispersing at around 8 p.m., leaving Nathan and I sitting at a table. We both looked at each other, and made faces. I gave in and said, "You know, I don't really want to leave. Wanna have another beer?"

He agreed, and we sat at a smaller table and ordered a new pint. Nathan is remarkably similar to me, and I felt dumb just realizing this as we talked that evening. We have different views on many things, but we both hold a similar approach to life. Our conversation touched on politics, religion, health, school, future plans, and of course relationships.

Nathan is somewhat of a ladies man, but how he accomplishes this I don't understand. I don't think he's attractive at all, he's far geeky-er than I am, and he strikes me to be very unromantic. But from all the stories he's told, he seemingly picks up women left and right. His current relationship is hitting the 6-month mark. But he was far more interested in my 'status'.

After telling him, no, I'm not seeing anyone, and no, I don't date that often, he (in a drunken state of honesty, which I don't question it's authenticity) started telling me the things I can have if I want them.

"You see these girls here? You could have any one you want," he said, matter-of-factly.

"Why?" I asked. "I'm kinda boring, I don't do the clubbing thing, and I certainly don't have the air of a ladies man."

He smiled. "But you've got way more than the other losers who get these beautiful girlfriends."

At that moment, Laura planted herself on my lap. After brief introductions, and the necessary, "No, we're not dating, she's my (future) roommate," she went off to join her other friends.

"She's cute," Nathan said. "Really cute. But you can do better."

I threw my hands in the air. Remember, this is Steve you're talking about Nathan! I'm unpopular! I'm unattached! I don't dance!

But he persisted. "Most of the girls that date these guys don't even like them. The bar is just so low, and they want to have boyfriends, that they don't even notice their guy is dumb as a stick, or not attractive."

"Gee, thanks...so I'll have success because the bar is low..."

"No, that's only part of it. You've got so much more than these other guys. You're above-average intelligent, charming, witty, actually care about people...you've got a good sense of fashion, an image of yourself...and you're a really attractive guy."

I almost fell out of my chair.

"Come on, you're joking," I said. I couldn't believe I was hearing this. These qualities are what people think of me? That's kind of amazing.

"Seriously. It's really been different for you, in the last few months. It's like you're Steve the man now. You've changed, and it's good," he said, so factually and seriously that I know he wasn't bullshitting me.

I laughed some more, but what he was saying really hit home. But I need reassurance, as I told him, because I never hear these things about myself. Nobody ever tells me how attractive I am, or how I'm witty, or that I would make an excellent boyfriend. Everything he said I am so self-critical about that it took me 5 mintues to process and finally accept maybe what he was saying is true.

We rounded off the evening at 11:30, both rather drunk and in good spirits. I think we definately became better friends that night, because conversation flowed so easily. Not only that, but I felt a deeper respect for him, and I'm pretty sure he found the same with me.

Once I was laying in bed, thinking about what he'd said, I really began to wonder. Have I changed that much? Am I now 'Steve the man', not Steve the guy who came here 2 years ago? And who is this 'Steve the man' anyway. He's me, but I just didn't realized I've changed.

Lisa told me last weekend that I'm the happiest she's ever seen me. That I'm more centered, pulled-together and a fuller person. I don't think that I was really that unhappy before, or that I was scattered...but I guess I've changed.

Throughout life, there will always be changes. People change. I'll change again. But have I finally accepted myself, on some unconscious level, and become a better person? And what doors will now be open when I go back to school in September?...