Cooked goose...

I am fat and sleepy.

Uggghhhh...too much food. And before you say, "Well, just don't eat it!" I have to tell you, I kinda wanted to. Its all been good...just not good for you. And I've payed the price. I can feel my body spreading, that extra substance on my bones. It's weird. It's gross. And I can't stop myself.

As a result I now have made my life harder than before. As of Wednesday I have to go back to eating a lot less, and a lot better food. That adjustment will be somewhat welcomed, because I really feel gross right now. But you just always know in the back of your mind your stomach will just want more.

What's even more strange is my alertness. Thursday and Friday of last week I was primed and happy to be home. Saturday we had our immediate family over for Thanksgiving, and by 4 p.m. I wanted nothing more than to sleep (this was pre-turkey too). Sunday was a little better, but I was still crashing terribly by 11 p.m. Today I was ready for a nap at 3 p.m., after working from 11 a.m. on school stuff.

I mean, a nap? I never do that shit! But it was wonderful...I wrapped myself in a blanket on my bed, laid on my pillow and listened quietly to an audiobook on my iPod. It was everything I dreamed it would be.

The thing that drives me crazy in my life these days is that nothing is guilt-free. While I was enjoying my nap, in the back of my mind I was worried about all the work I still have to do before tomorrow night. The entire weekend has been spent pushing things off to enjoy family time, then worrying I've pushed things a little too far. I hope the next weekend I get at home will have me with far less homework.

Of the 2200 words I'm supposed to write, I've gotten 1200. Oh, and a 500 page novel I was supposed to read...but that's not happening.

Saturday's Thanksgiving was actually really fun. My good grandparents came over, and we spent the day laughing and kidding around. My father wore a cabbage hat for most of the day. But of course, there had to be drama. My evil grandmother said she was simply too tired to come over for dinner. The last time she was out for a day she spent the next two in bed, because she was just so exhausted by it all.

My father was deeply hurt by this, and I don't blame him. Everybody else was quite excited we didn't have to spend time with her, but for the sake of my Dad we all felt badly. Considering she lives next door, I really don't think it would be too much to ask of her. Also, considering I saw her drive up the road to go grocery shopping just as we were mashing the potatoes and pulling out the stuffing, I really think she could have made it, that bitch.

Sunday was the 'big' family Thanksgiving. I really can't stand any of them. My parents and my grandparents are the only family I really love and the only family who love me in return. The rest, comprised of an Aunt and Uncle, three cousins, all their spouses, several children and a dog. As usual, I was well ignored by them as they fought amongst themselves.

More drama ensued. My grandmother refused to come to dinner again, saying that she'd had a heart attack on Saturday night but didn't want anyone coming over (she'd locked her doors), or to go to a doctor or hospital. Oh, and that' she'd rather just die than live another day. (On a side note I swear she will outlive us all, even with her attitude.)

My cousins got into a huge fight, in front of the family, where they both demanded a divorce. Also, we ate in the garage, which smelled like cat piss and fly spray. My 'favorite' cousin (and I use that term loosely) wrote on the chalkboard wall: "Happy Ghetto Thanksgiving". Also, one of the kids was seen brandishing an axe, immediately changing his story to, "Look what I found!" after wielding it around his head.

I was musing later that evening about my family. After my father dies, I will never see those people again. I cannot even describe how isolated I am from these people. They never show interest in me beyond 'how are you', and never make an effort to include me in their goings-on. Not to mention they're all 8 or more years older than I am.

It was quite depressing, really, to realize how alone I will be in a few years. Granted, my parents will still be around for roughly 30 more, but my grandparents may only have 10 left. And having no siblings myself, nor close cousins, one day I will literally be alone. Of course there will be friends and lovers...but nobody who is my family. And I'd hate to gate-crash my best friend's family Thanksgiving when I'm 55...

I've always wanted a big loving/dysfunctional family. Like on Brothers and Sisters, where everyone fights but ultimately loves each other unconditionally. That will never happen in my blood family, so I've turned that gaze towards future partners. In my fantasy world, I would hope to find myself with someone in a big family that I could bask in. While I know that all partners aren't always accepted into these family situations, I would hope I could find myself accepted.

I leave home tomorrow. It's been a nice visit.