Hold on to your hats...

"Jesus, I need a costume, NOW."

It was 3 this afternoon and I was walking with my friend Jones, sipping coffee and getting myself freaked out about Halloween. I'd managed to get away without a costume for the weekend, but was in desperate need of one for tomorrow.

Turns out we're having people over, and of course everyone's dressing up. I started in mid-October being a little excited for the chance of a themed party, but by last week I was in full duck-and-cover mode: pretend it's not Halloween and don't worry about not having anything to wear. Simply go to friend's place, drink, and go home minus any fancy dress.

Once it was decided that we were having people over here for part of the evening, I panicked a little. I mean, as a host, I can't not have a costume. It would just look bad. So I set out for Wal-Mart to find the cheapest piece of crap I could find.

Naturally, I couldn't find anything half-decent. There were a million of the Scream masks and capes, but nothing else really. I dug around, and came up with some elf thing from Lord of the Rings, and in my panicked state bought it.

When I got home, I held it in front of me. "I look like a fucking idiot," I said to Nina, who added that I was a 'geeky' fucking idiot. Perfect.

"I can't wear this!" I cried, as if I'm prepping for my runway dash, displaying the new D&G threads for Hallows Eve (you know, orange is very in...).

So this afternoon I resigned myself to the need to find a new, decent costume. Jones and I headed to a Halloween place he'd heard of, and we found it...along with 300 other people who were in line there.

"Shit, now what am I going to do?" I begged. He laughed and suggested paper-bag-man. I gave him a slitty-eyed look and we walked further down the street.

As we passed the windows, I gazed into what I'm assuming was an Army Surplus store of some type. The window was full of gear, soldier's uniforms, white nurse dresses, the works. And a sailor suit.

"That's it!" I shrieked, pointing towards the glass. Moments later, we were inside rooting though thousands of shirts and pants.

"Now, what exactly do sailors wear?" I asked one of the women working. She gave me a knowing grin.

"I know what you need," she said, taking me to the racks in the back. She pulled a pair of white pants, and a black tunic with white needlework, and handed them to me. "That's it," she said, her gap-toothed grin opened wide.

I held it in front of me. Then imagined how hopefully gay I'll look in it. Then imagined further being chased down the street by several cute guys wanting a piece of my sailor ass.

"Well?" she said, snapping me out of my lustful trance.

"Ahh, but the hat!" I added. Hell boys, if I'm going gay, I'm going all the way.

She led me to a stack of dixie cups, and plopped one on my head. "Good," she said. Then she grabbed me some dog tags and threw it all in a bag, and rang me through the cash.

So I'm going as a sailor. I don't know what got into me, the insane notion that I can pull this off and look sexy instead of stupid, but I'm committed now.

And hopefully the boys will agree. Later in the evening tomorrow we're venturing into the heart of the Village to the ever-popular Halloween street party, where I hope to be shamelessly hit on.

Plus, I've now got a dual-purpose costume...if I ever do wind up seeing someone, and we want to have a bit of fantasy time, I can pull out my skivvies so he can pull them off.