The ride back to Toronto was more or less uneventful, until we were 20 mintues from my place.
"You haven't said anything about me seeing someone," I said cautiously. It had been nagging me in the back of my mind for the past few days. I needed to know how she was reacting.
"Well, I'm not good with it," she said. "I just can't get used to it, I'm not happy with it."
My heart sank. Here I was thinking that things were getting better.
She went on to explain that she isn't getting comfortable with it, how I'd given her a "glimmer of hope" by saying that maybe, at some point, there would be a girl instead.
"No. I'm gay, I've explained that," I said. "I'd never close the door completely, but it's not a big attraction for me."
I tried not to get upset, but as each sentence was spoken, I got more hurt. She just doesn't understand. And neither do I. Why can't she just accept me for who I am, seven months after she found out? I told her that I haven't grown a third arm, I'm not some mutated monster.
"I know, you're not a different person. I still love you."
She said that my being gay was a choice (uh, no, it's not), then asked why I didn't just come out in highschool if I 'knew all along'.
"Because! It's called accepting it yourself, and I didn't exactly grow up in a gay-happy environment."
"I never contributed to that," she said, "never."
Also, she doesn't like flamboyant homosexuals, which apparently for some reason makes it hard to accept the truth about me. I told her even if I was flamboyant (which I'm not, she says everyone 'thinks I'm straight' even though I watch Sex and the City, drink Pinot Grigio by the gallon and have only close female friends) it would be 'who I am' and I would never apologize for it.
She said it was better that I'm not flamboyant, because she just couldn't handle it if I were.
I kept pushing the conversation because I needed to know what I can do to help move this forward. She says the biggest problem she's having right now is that my Dad doesn't know. She needs to have no secrets between them, and claims that it's tearing her apart that she can't talk about it with him. Plus, she's worried he'll be furious at her for not including him in the knowledge when I told her originally.
"It's not about you and him!" I exclaimed, "it's about him and me. That's IT."
I can't wrap my head around the fact her biggest problem right now is that my Dad doesn't know. I mean, she's worried about how he'll react towards her, whats up with that?
She then went on to demand I tell him soon, because she's almost told him three times already. She had to physically leave the room, on three different occasions, to keep from blurting it out to him.
Apparently she cries herself to sleep some nights. And tells herself every day that I'm not straight, and that I won't have the picket fence. That killed me the most, because I don't know why it's hurting so much after so much time. It's almost as if she's refusing to let go and simply start moving forward.
"I know that on the other side, we'll be fine," she said. "It's just getting there that I'm not sure about."
I suggested that maybe it was time for her to talk to someone about this, like PFLAG or another support group. We're not the support-group type of family, but she's obviously not getting anywhere by herself. And I don't know how she's going to get anywhere by talking to my Dad, because it's not like he has any answers himself I'm sure.
She refused flat out. "NO, I'm not talking to anyone. No, I'm just not doing it," she said, as if she's the only person to know about my sexuality, and we've got to keep it under wraps.
We left things very awkwardly. I just didn't know what to say, how to make her feel better, to lift weight off her shoulders. I tried to tell her it's really not that big of a deal, and that I'm happier than before, but I didn't really get that out clearly. I was just working on not crying mostly.
I had never felt so rejected in my life. That night, I understood why there's a gay community. Because when your family tries to pretend you're not gay, and tells you how they can't handle it, you have somewhere to go. I mean, up until now, I saw the community as a 'fun' thing, a safe place for gays to socalize. I now realize the serious aspect of it too.
I also realized that I had nobody to lean on right then. I talked with Laura for an hour, and she was very sympathetic, but as she said, "There's noting I can do, I can't offer you any advice. I just don't know how to help."
It was very hard going to bed that night. Realizing how badly I wished I had some gay friends in Toronto to help me through this.
I talked to a few people online, and I'm trying not to undermine the friendships that I've made thanks to the blog. But in this instance, I needed a person, in front of me. A shoulder, to literally cry on.
The next morning I woke and wanted to vomit. My stomach rolled while I tried to clear my mind. I don't want to become some depressed homo, but my family means more than anything to me. Thankfully I had to throw myself into work, finishing an essay before rushing off to class.
Again, this morning, I woke with a sense of dread in my chest. I felt unloved. I've got friends I love, but I've never felt so distant from my family. And at times like these, I don't know how to call on the support of my friends. Thankfully I didn't feel as ill as I did Wednesday morning.
I still haven't talked to my Mom since our discussion on Tuesday night. I'll be calling her now...but I don't really know what to say.
6 comments:
I feel so bad for you. My Mum told my Dad before I had the chance to. I remember the sense of panic at the time. She told me that the reason she did it was that she needed to be able to talk about it with him. I can understand this, it must have been hard for her to deal with. I know it's going to be difficult to do, but maybe you should let her tell him, then talk about it with him, when he is ready.
My mum never really went to any PFLAG things, I did suggest it after being surprised by their presence in the UK, but what she did do was go online. Mainly she read about gay people's experiences of coming out and she looked into LGBT history. I think it helped her develop empathy towards the community in general. It also helped her come round to the idea.
I think Mums' first instinct is fear. HIV/AIDS, hate crime, loneliness, they are all things they expect us to encounter. They want to protect us from it and can't. However, reading about this sort of thing might be a good idea. If your Mum realises that you have a safe place to go and socialise in Toronto then she might be able to cope with it better. Just like making sure she knows you play safe.
Show her you are safe. Show her you are happy and in time, she will be too.
::HUG::
I hope with time things will get better! I am always here if you ever need to talk or someone to cheer you up!
PS. I dance on command! :0)
Steve,
I hate to be the one to say this but you have to understand where she is coming from with the comments about telling your father. They are in a partnership and probably don't have many secrets between them. This secret is one that she has no one else to talk to about because she is still ashamed of it and on some level probably blames herself for it. She can't and won't talk to her friends or other relatives about this. She is more in the closest than you are right now and we both know how that feels. She has no one else to turn to to discuss this with. You have to tell your father soon or she will, it's as simple as that. You are blocking her acceptance by not allowing her to discuss it with the only person she has available to her.
I know this is very hard for you but you have to look at the situation from her perspective. Currently, she has no one to vent to, to discuss with, to question with. She has no one. I understand that you think it's all about you and your choices, but in reality it isn't. She also has to "come out" and needs resources to talk to about this.
I agree with Bruce in some respects. Although you made the move to accept yourself and it took time to do so, she also needs time to accept and decipher through all of her emotions.
I wish for her to know who to deal with it on her own, but if she is that close to her father she feels as if she is lying to him or keeping something from him.
Best of luck, remember that everything happens for a reason so dont be afraid to live on with your life. Give it time and remember that you have your cyber friends here.
I second what Bruce said. Your parents are in a partnership, and while I wouldn't go so far as to say it's unfair of you to ask her to keep such big news from him, it's a little unfair not to understand how that is difficult for her.
It is ultimately about "you and him" only from your perspective -- and maybe that's the most important perspective since you're the one who's gay, after all, the one who's putting himself on the line. But from your mom's perspective, it's likely about the three of you, and having to keep a secret from her husband, who conceivably is her "best friend," has got to be rough.
This is the reason I feel like I'll need to tell my folks at the same time, or close to the same time. I understand your fear, though -- I share it -- and I understand why you would ask her to keep it secret to bide time, since it sounds like telling your pops is a pretty scary prospect.
Nothing Golden Stays
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