So today is national 'Come Out' day. (And another two-poster day.)
And I find myself struggling with an itchy trigger finger. What's the best way to come out? Why, broadcast it over the internet!
No, I'm not revealing myself to the greater population of the world as Frozen Underwear. But I find myself more and more weighing the possibility of coming out on Facebook.
I mean, what a better way to really come out. It'd be a matter of some public record, and it would eliminate the 'who knows, who doesn't' game.
But it's also inherently flawed.
I have no problem coming out en masse to the people I know in Toronto. But I don't really like the idea of coming out in my home community, to my entire high school. In some ways, so what. I don't know these people. But in others, I just get freaked out about having the small-town gossip circulating around me, and my family.
Facebook is the ultimate gossip-creator. People watch it to see who dumps who, who's drinking where, who was seen with who...and who's gay.
That's why I hesitate. On the one hand, I feel very ready to be out. Other than hiding it from my grandparents (which is a priority, and cannot be changed), I really don't feel myself shrinking back from coming out.
But I've seen firsthand how gossip spreads amongst small-town citizens. It's not pretty...people talk in the grocery store about disappointments like gay sons.
Really, I want to be fully out. I don't even know how 'out' I am right now. If someone were to ask me, I wouldn't lie, but at the same time I'm not bringing it up in standard conversation because I want it 'off my chest'. And it feels like people only truly spread their wings when they're out on a big scale. But am I ready?
Will I ever be comfortable with the question of being out way back home? Or is that just something I will never get over. And if not, how do I come out in Toronto, in my new life here, without giving the gossip bloodhounds back home the scent of fresh blood?
10 comments:
Coming out is something that you will do for the rest of your life. It wil never really be over and it gets easier the more you do it. Personally, I don't go around telling everyone, but if someone asks me if I have a girlfriend, I don't hesitate to correct them. I find this works for me.
The thing is, it's really up to you. I think coming out on facebook is subtle. I know it will spread, but still, you don't have to do the 'interested in' thing at all. Maybe you should just share what you want to share on facebook, pics etc and let them do the talking for you.
Ooops, sorry for the lecture!
After coming out to my close friends, immediate family, and having my first boyfriend I did change my facebook info to interested in men. Barely anyone commented on my wall about it.
I was a bit anxious to come back home and see my friends whom I hadn't told. Despite having "come out" on facebook, none of my friends really mentioned it.
About 5 months later, here I am, and no one ever bothers me about it. I still mostly talk to my close friends about my relationships and such, but the most important is that I don't feel alienated.
LOL This is so funny because I just came out on Facebook today!
This week started out with my mother asking if I am gay (which I finally admitted to) and then I gave her permission to tell my dad and siblings. So today I figured, what the hell! My family knows, several of my friends do too, so why not my multitude of "friends" on Facebook?! The shit hasn't hit the fan yet and I don't think it will. It's just time to live my life on my terms and not be ashamed of who I am.
It's taken me a while to get to this point, so don't feel like you should rush into doing anything you're not ready to.
All the best!
Coming out on facebook is such a huge, scary, and amazing step... It seems as once its on facebook it becomes offical... I had a few friends coming out on facebook yesterday in honor of National Coming Out Day.
Steve,
Let me ask you this question. Do you intend to live the rest of your life where you grew up. If not you only be passing thru there on visits. Gossip is only interesting for so long then they move on.
I think the bigger issue here is your coming out to your father. From all your writings it seems to me that he's a pretty great dad. Are you afraid that he will reject you, be disappointed in you. What is it that is holding you back from letting him know?
In some ways your mom is right, she does need someone to talk with, just as you feel the need. Give her that opportunity.
Mark
A personal coming out is a life long evolution.
And for most of us, it is definitely the best way. So be comfortable with your own skin, stud, and take it kind of slow, let it ooze instead of blowing off the cork and shooting off instantly.
I admire anyone coming out today. It isn't the easy decision some gay folks make it out to be.
Being out myself, you just have to come to terms with it. After that, it really is a great way to live, love, and grow.
Mega hairy muscle hugs of support.
Hmm, coming out on Facebook... I've left off the 'interested in' section, but some of the groups I'm in speak for themselves... Oh, but then I hid them when some of my new mates at NC added me, because I'm a chicken :s
I totally know what you're talking about here, and it's basically why I haven't even accepted friend requests from my pre-university friends (well, bar one, but she knows I'm gay anyway), as it's the sort of gossip that quickly spreads, and I wouldn't want it getting back to my parents before I can tell them on my own terms.
I don't so much have a problem with people knowing that I like guys, but I still think there a lot of people who - even if it's almost sub-conscious - make certain assumptions about you if they know about your sexuality before they've actually had a chance to meet you and get to know you. If you want to put it on Facebook then all power to you - there are plenty of reasons why you should/shouldn't do it, I guess it just depends how they balance out for you.
(Btw, as you can see, I'm back online! :D)
Interesting thoughts...I have a post about Facebook coming later this week
I changed my "interested in" also but to nothing at all, I left it blank. But like my friend said, the no answer is as good as a quiet answer.
I think of it as progress. We live in the digital age so facebook is a great way to come out, but I prefer to leave the personal convos to the ones that are close to me.
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