Thursday, October 18, 2007

The unclear answer...

Things are certainly becoming clearer, even though the answers are becoming more difficult to decipher.

Last night I broke down and messaged Danny via Facebook. I figured that was the least threatening route; not an e-mail sent directly at him, or a text message sent to his phone. A nice short, "Hey, is everything OK, haven't seen you in a while," type message, with the obligatory, "if you're free we should do something," thrown on the end.

I didn't hold my breath waiting for a reply. After all, it'd been week of avoidance on his part, why would he send anything back?

The truth was, I'd taken all I could without hearing anything. I was willing to give the benefit of the doubt, to forgive the little fact he didn't even acknowledge my Friday text message. I really needed to know if he was going to reply.

A couple hours went by, and I received a response.

"Hey, just been busy with a lot of stuff...school, work, "travel" plans...what you been up too?"

Um, excuse me? That's it? That's all?

I left it an hour, so as not to look insane, and messaged back with a semi-detailed account of my weekend and week thus far. I again asked if he was free at all this weekend.

And I still haven't gotten a reply.

---

Last night we had a pity party. I called it the "Life is Shit" night for October. We cracked open the wine, ate dinner...and needed desert.

The people in line behind me at the grocery store must have thought I was insane. Lets just say there was too much stuff to go through the express line. But we all needed a fix of chocolate, cookies, brownies...y'know, that stuff. I'm sure it looked pretty bad, but hey, everyone has these nights once in a while.

We sat, watching TV half-heartedly while interrupting the show with random tirades about our respective problems. After I'd shaken my second cosmo of the evening, I sat on the couch and reviewed my fucked up boy problems.

"I just can't do it," I said, looking off into space. "I can't handle this bullshit."

It really started to sink in that things just aren't working, at least not for me. Whereas before I've been the one dumped, I started to feel weird for deciding in my mind that things were over.

Even now, writing this, it seems strange. Nothing bad happened between us, but I'm sick of the no communication and seemingly randomness of our time together. I want more than this, I thought I implied that, both in conversation and in actions, and I haven't gotten the response I wanted.

I guess it's time I just move on.

---

I'm still waiting for that message back. We're past 24 hours now, and it's the weekend tomorrow. Why I even care anymore I don't really understand...I guess the desperate romantic part of me wants to leave the door open for him to fly into my arms and not leave.

And of course, I'm upset not only at him but with myself. How come I just can't get past this one-month mark without things turning to disaster? It's not that I need someone, because nobody does really. But I want someone. And every taste I get of having that someone leaves me wanting for more.

I'm not closing the door on Danny. If he wants to visit, fine by me. I'll still see him if he's going to make the effort to visit. But I'm closing the door on the belief that we'd become a functional couple.

That just looks like it's over.

10 comments:

B said...

Sorry things are not panning out as you hoped

Pete said...

Sorry about this. I know how it feels, I've been there. And, I must admit, I've led somebody on, being to chicken to just dump the guy face to face.

gay, christian and scared shitless said...

Soz dude.

I think most of us do need someone, its perfectly normal, finding the someone is the hard part.

Good luck, drop me a mail if you want.

blueyedboy said...

:( Que serĂ¡ serĂ¡...

...But it's his loss.

Anonymous said...

hey dude. you gotta stay strong. remember that as much as you want someone, don't compromise who you are in order to be with someone.

You are just as deserving of love as much as the next guy.

Be strong and don't settle for less than what you deserve. You'll find someone dude. Just don't lose your worth in process.

Anonymous said...

Just by reading your blog I know that you're this totally hot guy that Danny should be chasing like crazy.

But he's not. Well, I hate to say it, but what a loser! If I were you I'd go out on Church St this weekend, chat to some guys and see who's around.

I know it's hard to do, but definately worth it in the long run!

Also, if I wasn't 3500 miles away I'd be begging for an invite to your next pity party, man do I need one of those!

Px

manxxman said...

You don't need Danny, but you want him.......so for that reason treat him as a f__k buddy......and leave it at that.

Make yourself available to a guy that also is looking for a relationship. It's what you want so don't settle for the crumbs Danny leaves you......enjoy his body cause that's all he seems to be offeringb.

J.R. said...

Sorry to hear this, man. Maybe the kid doesn't know what he wants, maybe he's too chicken to say he's not interested. Hey, maybe he really is busy. Whichever it is, he's not very communicative and you should decide, even if he does want a relationship with you, whether it's OK for him to be so aloof when it comes to the talky-talky.

Nothing Golden Stays

Queen of Arts said...

send me a lover
someone to believe in
please send me someone i can hold
baby now
send me a lover
a new beginning
someone to take away the cold
and give me back
what i've been missing

Anonymous said...

Hey mr, it's been a few days, how are things progressing?

Px