The unclear answer...

Things are certainly becoming clearer, even though the answers are becoming more difficult to decipher.

Last night I broke down and messaged Danny via Facebook. I figured that was the least threatening route; not an e-mail sent directly at him, or a text message sent to his phone. A nice short, "Hey, is everything OK, haven't seen you in a while," type message, with the obligatory, "if you're free we should do something," thrown on the end.

I didn't hold my breath waiting for a reply. After all, it'd been week of avoidance on his part, why would he send anything back?

The truth was, I'd taken all I could without hearing anything. I was willing to give the benefit of the doubt, to forgive the little fact he didn't even acknowledge my Friday text message. I really needed to know if he was going to reply.

A couple hours went by, and I received a response.

"Hey, just been busy with a lot of stuff...school, work, "travel" plans...what you been up too?"

Um, excuse me? That's it? That's all?

I left it an hour, so as not to look insane, and messaged back with a semi-detailed account of my weekend and week thus far. I again asked if he was free at all this weekend.

And I still haven't gotten a reply.

---

Last night we had a pity party. I called it the "Life is Shit" night for October. We cracked open the wine, ate dinner...and needed desert.

The people in line behind me at the grocery store must have thought I was insane. Lets just say there was too much stuff to go through the express line. But we all needed a fix of chocolate, cookies, brownies...y'know, that stuff. I'm sure it looked pretty bad, but hey, everyone has these nights once in a while.

We sat, watching TV half-heartedly while interrupting the show with random tirades about our respective problems. After I'd shaken my second cosmo of the evening, I sat on the couch and reviewed my fucked up boy problems.

"I just can't do it," I said, looking off into space. "I can't handle this bullshit."

It really started to sink in that things just aren't working, at least not for me. Whereas before I've been the one dumped, I started to feel weird for deciding in my mind that things were over.

Even now, writing this, it seems strange. Nothing bad happened between us, but I'm sick of the no communication and seemingly randomness of our time together. I want more than this, I thought I implied that, both in conversation and in actions, and I haven't gotten the response I wanted.

I guess it's time I just move on.

---

I'm still waiting for that message back. We're past 24 hours now, and it's the weekend tomorrow. Why I even care anymore I don't really understand...I guess the desperate romantic part of me wants to leave the door open for him to fly into my arms and not leave.

And of course, I'm upset not only at him but with myself. How come I just can't get past this one-month mark without things turning to disaster? It's not that I need someone, because nobody does really. But I want someone. And every taste I get of having that someone leaves me wanting for more.

I'm not closing the door on Danny. If he wants to visit, fine by me. I'll still see him if he's going to make the effort to visit. But I'm closing the door on the belief that we'd become a functional couple.

That just looks like it's over.